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Second Chance Idol: Week 1 - "Take Heart"

Suddenly, I am taken back to that cold bathroom floor...

"I sat on the cold bathroom floor with my knees to my chest; arms wrapped around my legs tightly, grasping to find some sense or reason in all of it. 'How did it get to this point?' I thought to myself, as I wiped the smudged make-up off my face with the back of my hand. I had cried so much my head pounded in pain, screaming at me to stop; my body couldn't take it anymore. I knew that if I attempted to stand up, I would only come crashing back down to the floor, so I sat there - pretending I would be able to rise if I wanted to. The passion that initially attracted us like magnets was the same passion that was ripping us apart, piece by piece. 

I wondered where he was, and whether or not he even cared that we were slowly destroying each other. I wondered what he would say in the morning, when the light in the sky would offer us a brighter and better day. I wondered if daylight would ever come. I wondered if I would even recognize the sun.

I wanted to pick myself up off the cold tile and dust myself off, as I had always done in the past, but wondered if I even remembered how. 'How did it get to this point?' I had allowed it, that's how.

Not anymore.
I grabbed onto the sink and pulled myself up. I forced myself to look in the mirror.
There I was.

I allowed it. Not anymore."

...

They say the first heartbreak is the hardest; "first cut is the deepest," or some such nonsense. I'm here to tell you that's not the case. They conveniently forget to mention how much worse it is when you're older, you've experienced it, you know better...and you've sworn to never let it happen again. Because then, on top of the pain, is the added humiliation that your dumb ass dove head first off the top of the Grand freakin' Canyon without a safety net...knowing damn well what your fate would be.

I've always been the logical sort. Facts can be proven. There are certain rules for what makes sense and what doesn't. Two and two makes four. I respond well to a strong sense of reasoning. Reason lends itself more readily to sound judgments than does emotion. I was taught that a person, especially a woman, can only depend on herself. Reason says that the best way to maintain this sense of independence is to stay the hell out of love's vice grip because, if there's one way to ruin a perfectly responsible and intelligent woman, it's to present her with the possibility of love. Of course, when I say "woman," I am only speaking of myself. I can't make blanket judgments about anyone else, male or female. In any case, contrary to my affinity for "head over heart," I have been cursed with the most extreme of emotions. As you can imagine, this is highly inconvenient given that emotions make no damn sense at all.

When I fall, I fall hard - it's a "to-your-death" kind of plummet. When I love, it's that "deep breath" kind of love. You know the kind - you feel like you have to take a deep breath because it's just too much for your heart to hold - it overwhelms the senses. And that kind of love is all well and good...until it ends. When it ends, well...that's just dangerous. I will spare you the details, because it gets a lot more ugly than just endless hours of crying. Also, it should be noted that it's not that "tears rolling down my cheeks" sort of crying. It's that "sobbing uncontrollably, forgetting to breathe which turns into painful hiccups, face leaking like a faucet, will turn even the most beautiful woman into a hideous snot monster" type of crying. Why is it that women look so ugly when they cry, anyway?

I've vowed never to do it again. I've erected walls of defense that have been likened to the Great Wall of China. But somehow, here I am - on the other side of the country. Just packed up everything and moved - for love. Sure, I can rationalize it away or try to make some reasonable justification that appeals to the independent woman screaming and cussing inside me. But that's the truth, plain and simple. I followed my heart and this is where I ended up....

"Babe?" He waves a hand in front of my face. "You still with us?"

I shake my head and take in my surroundings. The DMV. What the hell just happened?

"Oh, yea...sorry. Must've zoned out..." How embarrassing.

Finally, the woman behind the counter speaks, "Ma'am? Have you decided?"

What the hell is she talking about?! "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

She sighs impatiently. "Would you like to be a heart donor, or not?"

I chuckle. "Absolutely."

He glances at me sideways. He wants my heart.

I don't even flinch. "Take it. And give it to someone who knows what to do with it."


*Entry written for [info]therealljidol

Comments

( 56 comments — Leave a comment )
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basric
Jan. 9th, 2011 08:11 am (UTC)
A wonderful story. You should still be with us in idol.

Very touching. Well done.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
You're so sweet. I never was. I missed the sign ups this season. I'm just glad to have the chance to write. Thank you! :)
(Deleted comment)
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
-hugs back-
lovepath777
Jan. 9th, 2011 01:26 pm (UTC)
I hardly know what to say. This is stunning. A quite perfect effusion of self-expressive grace.
You are magnificent, Mellie.

~jon
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 04:06 pm (UTC)
Wow, Jon. That is an AMAZING compliment. Thank you! <3 XO.
comedychick
Jan. 9th, 2011 01:37 pm (UTC)
Yep. Definitely want you in the competition. I especially liked the way you ended this.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. :)
solstice_singer
Jan. 9th, 2011 02:27 pm (UTC)
Beautifully written!

I try to be logical rather than emotional as well. However, as you said, sometimes emotions just take over, and there's no making sense of any of it. I hope this time is different for you. I hope you've given your heart to someone who is worthy of the giving. Good luck to you.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 04:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ;]

Yea. When the emotions override the logical my inner control freak kicks in and, because you can't really control them, it just makes a huge mess. I like the word clusterfuck. lol But anyway, I hope so, too!
a_rabid_flea
Jan. 9th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
As much as I rant about emotions being useless and how humanity wastes entirely too much time and effort on trivial pursuits because of them, the truth remains they are a necessary evil. The only thing that separates us from the zombies & robots and without emotion, this passage could never have been written. Indeed, no art could exist without emotion. While emotions do cloud the logic, passion for logic is by definition, still an emotion.

~Aallyx
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
-sigh-
When you have a point, you have a point.
appletreegirl
Jan. 9th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC)
LOVE this! Very cool!
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 09:58 pm (UTC)
Awww, thanks! :)
similiesslip
Jan. 9th, 2011 10:35 pm (UTC)
Heartbreak leaves me like this too. I'm so so sorry. And I think I am over it and moving on and doing ok and then something reminds me about..and I cry and cry all over again.

I'm like you, I either don't love or it's "to my death plunge."

I'm hoping you heal. I'm sorry you have to follow this road.

::hugs:: I wish I knew how to make it better. If you ever learn...let me know!
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 9th, 2011 10:49 pm (UTC)
I'm okay, doll. I think if I ever learn, I will write a book so no one has to ever go through it again. Thanks for the kind words! -hugs back-
____hejira
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:15 am (UTC)
You've just earned yourself a secure spot in this game. Great job. The ending was super strong...I love a good ending.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 10th, 2011 01:27 pm (UTC)
Wow, thanks! :)
I do, too. I usually write backwards. That is, I start with an idea for an ending and then work up to it.
xo_kizzy_xo
Jan. 10th, 2011 02:14 pm (UTC)
This is stunning and so, so true. I'm one of those "head over heart" people too, and I think, because we are, when we fall in love, we plummet. We're emotional extremeists without realizing it because we consciously "keep it together", as it were.

Love isn't logical. That's the other thing our brains have trouble processing.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 10th, 2011 04:29 pm (UTC)
I think it's just one of those cases where, the more you push against something, the more you attract yourself to it. In trying to maintain control and reasoning in the face of something that is simply not logical, you inevitably lose that grip of control.

Also, thank you. :)
myrna_bird
Jan. 10th, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC)
I liked how you set this up, going from your reverie then back to reality at the DMV. Nice job.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 10th, 2011 11:37 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
superhappytime
Jan. 11th, 2011 12:16 am (UTC)
totally agree, the worst heartbreak is the most recent one. every fucking time.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 11th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)
Someone should warn you that they just get worse.
(no subject) - superhappytime - Jan. 11th, 2011 01:09 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - beyond_my_smile - Jan. 11th, 2011 01:10 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - superhappytime - Jan. 11th, 2011 01:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - beyond_my_smile - Jan. 11th, 2011 01:17 am (UTC) - Expand
mstrobel
Jan. 11th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC)
Aw! I loved the ending!

Also, damn but I recognized so much of that. <3 to you.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 11th, 2011 08:52 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it. But I am sorry to hear that you recognized it. Thank you, I love <3s! Back at ya.
nannerz2cool
Jan. 11th, 2011 09:54 pm (UTC)
Loved the twist in this! Great entry!
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :)
raynbo0701
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)
I don't even know how to describe this except brilliant. Agree that heartbreak is not a fun experience at all. I hope you've found a safe home for yours since this happened, assuming it was yours.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 11th, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you, that is quite a compliment. Definitely not fun, but I think that my heart is safe (for now, anyway).
onda_bianca
Jan. 12th, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
Damn.

This is me in so many ways.

And what an ending!

beyond_my_smile
Jan. 13th, 2011 06:43 pm (UTC)
We do seem to have so much in common. lol
Thanks!
secretlysidhe
Jan. 12th, 2011 03:18 am (UTC)
I really liked the ending and where you took this piece. Nice job!
boxsofrain
Jan. 12th, 2011 03:48 pm (UTC)
I am voting you in right now. <3
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 12th, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
Ashlee! <3 Thank you, love.
I was hoping you were lurking around somewhere, since you suggested that I try this a while ago. Better late than never, yes?
sweeny_todd
Jan. 12th, 2011 10:43 pm (UTC)
great story - Cat Stevens totally had it wrong!!
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 13th, 2011 06:44 pm (UTC)
This is what I'm saying.
(and, thanks!)
amorphous_mess
Jan. 13th, 2011 03:18 am (UTC)
Very well done. I agree with you... the first heartbreak is by far, not the hardest.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 13th, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I love that icon, btw.
(no subject) - java_fiend - Jan. 19th, 2011 03:28 am (UTC) - Expand
talon
Jan. 13th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
bravo.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 13th, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
Aw. Thank you. :)
soprano1790
Jan. 13th, 2011 07:34 pm (UTC)
This is so cool. It sounds very real. I haven't been through any of this kind of thing(thank god), but I imagine it must be aweful. I especially like the ending. It made me laugh.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 15th, 2011 08:27 pm (UTC)
Most of it is very real. I will cross my fingers that you don't ever have to go through this kind of thing. But I am glad I was able to make you laugh.
majesticarky
Jan. 14th, 2011 02:38 am (UTC)
I really like how you tied in your heart break to signing away your heart. Very nice touch.
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 14th, 2011 02:49 am (UTC)
They just seem to go hand in hand. ;]
Thanks!
queen_pepita
Jan. 14th, 2011 03:57 am (UTC)
Look I found you a heart that is not broken! Also it is smiling!



beyond_my_smile
Jan. 14th, 2011 07:21 am (UTC)
This is probably the most adorable comment I've ever received. Thank you.
greathall
Jan. 14th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
So well written. I loved it!
beyond_my_smile
Jan. 14th, 2011 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Jerry! Glad you liked it. :)
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